Click here for a funny explanation on how missile guidance systems work.
Click here for a funny explanation on how missile guidance systems work.
The bouncer at a nightclub stops a guy and says. "You have to wear a tie."
The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around
his neck, and goes back to the club.
The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start
anything!"
An elderly man owned a fruit tree farm. It had a large pond in the back that was perfect for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, “We're not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned and replied, “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I'm here to feed the alligator.”
A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees
fans. All of the hands go up except for one student.
"Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"The Red Sox."
"Why's that?"
"Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too."
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be
a moron too?"
"No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"
If a child asks "why is it raining?", I like to tell them "God is crying." If the child asks "why is God crying?", I like to tell them "Probably because of something you did."
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
An old Italian man, who lived alone in the country, wanted to dig his tomato garden. It proved to be too difficult for him as the ground was hard and rocky. His only son, Vinnie, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vinnie,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a 'pay' envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."
My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will...if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f'ing sheet rock."
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the bartender.
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
The pirate replied, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap."
"It was my first day with the hook.
After chewing off three of its legs, the blonde wolf realized she was still stuck in the trap.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the squirrel that it could be done.
G.W. Bush concerned that people believe he’s stupid, calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It's me!"
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Cheney responds, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."
Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"
Without hesitation, Colin Powell answers, "It's me!"
Cheney calls Bush back and says, "It's Colin Powell."
Bush replies, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
An old country farmer with serious financial problems bought a mule from another farmer for $100. He agreed to deliver the mule the next day, however, the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK, then. Just unload the mule."
"What ya gonna do with a dead mule?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
"Sure I can. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the two met up and the farmer who sold the dead mule asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?"
"I raffled him off just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
True story
A first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... Holy shit! A talking pig!"
An old timer in a bar is talking to a young man.
"Lad, look out there in the field. Do ya see that wall? Look how well it's built. I built that wall stone by stone with my own two hands. It took me months. But do they call me Danny-the-Wall-Builder? Nooo..."
Then, the old man gestures at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by hand. then I carved every single piece wood with my pocket knife. It took me weeks. But do they call me Danny-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then, the old man points out toward the sea. "Do you see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier board by board. But do they call me Danny-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around, making certain that no one is paying attention and says "But you suck one @#$%..."
"You're a high-priced lawyer, if I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"
"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson answers, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support soon, they'll think we're nuts!
Chauvinistic Jokes
Why did cave men drag their women around by their hair?
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's an "evolutionary thing" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men die before their wives?
They choose to.
Husband Wanted
A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".
Little Johnny
The pretty schoolteacher asks little Johnny "If there are 5 birds sitting on a wire and you shoot one of them, how many are left?"This is not very nice, but it's funny!!
A woman is shopping in the local supermarket. She selects a quart of milk, 1/2 dozen eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.
Do you know why cannibals don't eat clowns?
... because they taste funny!!
Managers vs. Engineers
A group of managers was given the assignment of measuring the height of a flagpole. They go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, but they continually fall off the ladders and drop the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer! We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
From Margaret...
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies,"I beg your pardon, sir;
I must have Misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I SAID I want to open a damn checking account NOW!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and was this bitch here giving you a hard time?"
More From Margaret...
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
Mailed to me by my friend Mat in Colorado
An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Blake, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs. Jacobson. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week." The next week, an upset Mrs. Jacobson marched into Dr. Blakes office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs. Jacobson," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
